Came back home from work. Az-Zahraa my darling four year old grand daughter rushed to me from her room.
Az-Zahraa: Nemmy, I am sorry, I scratched your table.
Me : Oh dear, show Nemmy your master-piece. Let Nemmy see.
(Az-Zahraa timidly showing the scratch on the table).
Az-Zahraa: I am sorry Nemmy. (Looking so afraid)
Me : Oh Darling! this is okay. It is good in fact. I have something to remember you by when you are staying with Nemmy anymore (Az-Zahraa and her family is moving out of my house in October). It is a good drawing sweetheart.
However, Nemmy appreciate it that you admit your mistake. Only good hearted girt admit their mistake and say sorry. You have a good heart, my sweet.
Az-Zahraa smiled widely and happily at the same time seem confused. She kissed me and off she went to her room to tell her mama.
Later I went into her room and asked her;
Me : Were you afraid Nemmy will be angry with you?
She sheepishly admitted.
Az-Zahraa: Mama said you will be upset.
Me : Az-Zahraa, I will not be angry with you with simple mistake like this, especially when you admit your mistake.
I love you very much and when you say sorry and know it is something you will not do again, I know you have learned from that mistake and Nemmy loves you so much for that.
Yet, let us keep one scratch only okay. We do not want the house and furniture to be full of scratches because too much of them will make our house not beautiful.
She nodded and smile happily.
Will she use this to take advantage of my kindness and scratch my other furniture? I truly believe she will not. How do I know? There were embedded commands and reinforcement of positive beliefs in my sentences.
At the same time, I repeatedly told her she is so loved. She knows she love regardless and children who are love unconditionally will always want to do the right things and things that pleases the people they love and respect.
If she make other mistake, I will forgive her again and gently show her the right thing to do.
I believe and I know, one day, she will say to her Nemmy, it is okay Nemmy, it was just a simple mistake. When her Nemmy loses her grip of the cups or glasses because her Nemmy is not strong enough anymore to grip the cup or glasses.
I know one day, she will say, it is okay Nemmy, it is just a simple mistake. When her Nemmy drop her food on the floor because her hands are not strong enough to do what she was able to do when Az-Zahraa was just a little girl.
TQ Az-Zahraa for being my great teacher. Teaching Nemmy to have a good heart.
TWO GREAT QUESTIONS REGARDING MY STORY JUST NOW : )
Question, I've been thinking about this.
I think it's important to forgive and allow mistakes. But do you think it's necessary to praise it?
Shouldn't we use praise to reinforce good behaviour?
Thanks for your sharing.
I learnt a lot.
I got a simple question.
Why did Az-Zahraa do that?
and how was she feeling at that time??
______________________________
TQ for the questions my dearies,
For me what is good and what is bad in the eyes of a child? Beauty in the eyes of a kid is not the same as ours. What I see in Az-Zahraa is a person who will make a mark in this world. She has a strong desire to leave a mark in this world. I can relate to her. My gentle reminder to her were in the sentences,
"However, Nemmy appreciate it that you admit your mistake. Only good hearted girls admit their mistakes and say sorry. You have a good heart, my sweet."
"Yet, let us keep one scratch only okay. We do not want the house and furniture to be full of scratches because too much of them will make our house not beautiful."
People who make mistake and is willing to come forward to admit their mistake have battled a lot in their heart whether they should admit their mistake or just brush it away or hide it.
So, for me when I realised this, what I want to teach is the value of admitting mistake and able to take ownership to move forward positively in life. This is PRICELESS. With this alone, it separate a winner from a loser.
At that point, when her whole heart was hoping for my kindness and understanding, I know to reprimand the action of scratching the table should be left for later. Not every wrong behavior have to be addressed at the instant. When her confident is restored, I will talk to her again and let her understand that behavior of scratching on furniture and similar behavior should be avoided. Yet, with the first experience, she will have the deep rooted belief that she is amazing, great, yet have humility to admit her short coming and pledge to do better. Because she witness kindness and compassion.
Kindness and compassion come from seeing the bigger picture and clarity of purpose that every action is to help make the person who make mistake to feel okay with himself and not hating his good self but just the wrong action that he took. And this will help him moves forward positively and stop feeling bad and condemning himself. When this happen, the right behavior will come forward and mistakes become great lessons.
Why Az-Zahraa scratched my table?
Az-Zahraa did it unintended, She was sharpening her color pencils and after that she was moving the opposite side of the sharpener where she did not realise have a sharp end that can leave scratching mark. She did it without realising and also at the same time realise what she was doing. Absent minded.
When Az-Zahraa realised she did that she was so scared especially after the mama said, nemmy might be upset. It was about 3 pm when that happened and I came home about 6pm. Imagine the turmoil in her feeling for that 3 long hours of waiting for her Nemmy to come home and the anticipation of what my reaction will be.
The moment she heard me came home, she rushed out and I could see the fear in her eyes and how sorry she was for her mistake. That was why I did what I did. I knew and know that the right thing to do is to restore in her the feeling that she is safe with me.
Anybody who make mistake, feel very afraid and shy to admit it. There is small if not big battles in the heart that could eat them. Taking the initiative to admit the mistake, make a person a winner. Win from the deceiving syaitan. Syaitan have a special NEEDLE called GUILT that will draw us from LOVE. Because GUILT is the absence of love. That is the purpose of my action.
Love to all of you!
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